I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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