my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
