if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
