just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
