Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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