Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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