So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
