if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
