I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
