New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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