Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
