I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
