come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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