Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I want to be your penis for a week.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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