I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
