I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
