if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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