i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
