I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
