Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
pop tarts are not kleenex
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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