You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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