i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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