Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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