We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
