the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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