jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
