hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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