You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just found a bag of teeth...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
