remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
