my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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