Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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