ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
