I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
