Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
