thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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