I need help removing her.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the condom got lost in my hair
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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