She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
