Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
