you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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