i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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