I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
