I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
