After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
