So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
