I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
