My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
