the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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