how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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