I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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