no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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