My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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