Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
