i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
