remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
