dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry about my life...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had to cum in my sink.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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