Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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