dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
did i just pee glitter
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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