Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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