I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
