I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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